Just Give Up

Hi Scott, I just read your last post and it is beautiful sounding. But my experience is otherwise. It seems that no matter how much I try or want to do something, even just stop all this thinking and just realize I am that Love you speak of, nothing happens unless it has to. I don’t seem to be in control of the process at all. I thought I was for years and years and tried many different methods. But they don’t work. Nothing works.

One day I was in such discomfort, I thought to myself “why am I so uncomfortable. I can’t do anything about this. But why am I so uncomfortable” And the answer immediately came “you desire that things should be different than they are now.” and I fell into a peaceful sleep without sleep (hard to describe). The next day, in meditation, I wondered about the experience and wondered “if my desires to change the present situation are causing my various discomforts, then where do the desires come from?” The immediate answer was “from fear — fear that whatever the situation, it might go on forever without relief, and ultimately, if traced far enough, might result in the death of this body which I hold so precious.” After that, I wondered “Then where does fear come from” and the answer came “from ignorance — the ignorant belief that what is changing is permanent (or might be) and that what is not-changing (beyond the changing) is temporary”. For several years, this helped me. Suddenly, this spring, the question came “where did the ignorance come from, since it is not going anywhere in a hurry” and the answer cam “from God, Nature, or whatever you want to call it”. And I understood that there was not one single thing I could do about my state. That my ideas of ignorance themselves are from God/Nature/Consciousness. And that I am not much next to That Which Is. Suddenly, a unique clear understanding arose for some days that I was that God/Nature/Consciousness. It did pass, however. But all this happened on it’s own, without my doing anything. Not giving up my ignorance, not doing anything at all. i don’t know how that happened, but it did. And I had nothing to do with it at all. It was automatic. My only regret is that it passed (everyone’s regret of such experiences, I imagine).

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you, since i’ve been reading your page for several years now and have communicated with you by e-mail several times. I am grateful for this page. And I read it with delight (when you post — so infrequently these days). But I just don’t know how you would expect anyone to “do” anything about their pain. It is given by somet`ing so much bigger than the individual “I” which is what is in the first place in pain, that it seems to me, from my own experience, that there is nothing any individual can “do” to end it. It seems to happen on it’s own, like everything else. I guess I’m trying to tell you, Scott, my friend, that I am out of control. if you’ve found a way to be in control, then you are God. I can’t do it.

No offense or anything like that is intended by this message. I love you too much for posting here. I have many times received great relief from your postings. But this last message is so in opposition to my own experience, I can’t help but express it to you.

Thank you for your letter, and your continuing honesty. I’m not sure we are disagreeing, however. Perhaps I didn’t say it right the first time. I assure you that I am not in control in any way. When I realized that I didn’t know a thing about my life and that I didn’t know a thing about myself, I also discovered Love had been in control all along. And Love is infinitely larger than anything I could have ever imagined myself to be.

Pain, pleasure, and all other experiences come and go. You can’t save yourself any more than I can save myself. All of that is just a fantasy. Let go of the word, “I” and let go of all other words, identities, labels, opinions, beliefs, and fantasies, even words like “Love” and “Consciousness”, and discover what is always here.

-Your own Self-
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